we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
where are my eyebrows?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
