I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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