she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
