Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
