Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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