and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Of course I have a pirate flag
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
