i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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