I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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