Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
