the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
