sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
