wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
farters have to be the big spoon...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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