she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize