Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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