Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
