Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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