you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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