I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
