i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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