I heard we made out
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
