life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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