my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
