i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
