Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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