So drunk its hurt
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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