Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
