You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize