i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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