I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
