we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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