I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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