Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
