just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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