I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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