"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Never joke about your clitoris.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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