I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
she smelled like a LAN party
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
