I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
