Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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