Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
