You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
