Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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