Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
