I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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