You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
