I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize