You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
