Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
