you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize