you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What did we do last night that was yellow?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
