I think I won the penis lottery.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
