We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
