this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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