Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
