Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize