In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
