This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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