the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
