3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude i'm inner monologue high
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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