it wasn't lemon gatorade
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
